How Talking Money Can Make Your Life Richer

Is money on your list of romantic topics of conversation this Valentine's Day? For many, the answer is likely "no way." But perhaps it's worth considering.

According to Kathleen Burns Kingsbury, a wealth psychology expert and author of Breaking Money Silence: How to Shatter Money Taboos, Talk More Openly about Finances, and Live a Richer Life, we'd rather talk about death, religion and politics than tackle personal finance.

What's behind this money silence, which can come at a high cost? Money, after all, is often cited as a leading cause of marital strife and breakups.

Burns Kingsbury points the finger at the usual suspects: culture, religion, personal financial experiences and gender myths. For many, discussing financial matters is considered distasteful. We're also whipsawed by mixed messages over consumerism and credit card debt. The former is encouraged, the latter not so much. Gender myths can also be baked into money mindsets, as Burns Kingsbury calls them, influencing emotions and behaviours.

So how can we break the money silence?

Before opening the lines of communication, the author says we have to discover our personal money mindsets. In her book, touted as a step-by-step guide to discussing finances, Burns Kingsbury recommends starting by completing phrases such as the following with the first thought that comes to mind:

Talking about money is…

My mother/father taught me money was...

Investing money is...

People who talk about money are...

(There are lots more suggestions in the book, too!)

It's a way of identifying our so-called unconscious money scripts, she says. Burns Kingsbury suggests we get curious about those scripts and start challenging them by asking things like: "Is it true?" or "Are there other ways to think?"

When it comes time for couples to talk money, Burns Kingsbury offers 7 Fighting Fair Rules. She calls them simple, but admits they're not easy.

1. Be respectful.

2. Use "I" statements and avoid pointing the finger and blaming.

3. Listen actively: Ask open-ended questions and clarify what you heard.

4. Don't mind-read.

5. Practice curiosity.

6. Agree to disagree.

7. Give yourself a reward (for taking on a money conversation).

Burns Kingsbury makes it clear: Breaking money silence takes time. But there are lots of benefits to just getting the conversation going. Getting on the same page when it comes to finances can lead to a solid long-term plan, with clear goals in mind. Let's face it, goal-setting can be hard. Why not hash them out with a loved one or come up with common goals to make the work getting there a little easier?

If your partner is reluctant to engage on the subject, Burns Kingsbury offers a few suggestions she dubs the "Broken Record Technique" and the "Critical Moment Method." To better understand money mindsets, she's also known to recommend the "Money Island" game. Without giving too much away, partners are asked to give tours of their private money island. The goal? To see if those solitary islands can become islands for two.

So while money and finances may not seem like the most romantic of discussion topics, there's a lot to love about finding a common goal and reaching it together.

The title of this article was changed on February 14.